An Ode to Self

And when she uttered her truth, the world stood back in disbelief. "How could she? What is she doing? How dare she? She should look at what she has! What a shame. Who is she hurting? She should be thinking of others. "

So she straightened her crown, found her fake smile and continued to laugh and have fun.

And the world was pleased with what it saw.

But when she went to bed at night, and all was still, that familiar voice she had known forever spoke loudly.

" Remember me. Remember your truth. I know your heart. I love you and I am always here to guide you. "

But she drowned out the sound of self, suffocated it because she knew what the world would say.

Again she got up, fixed her crown and excelled in all the worldly ways possible.

Clapping and words of praise from the world marveling at her 'perfection' temporarily numbed her truth.

But again, in the quiet moments, when the world slept, the echoing voice of self continued.

"It's me. I'm here. I'm your truth. Please listen. I love you. I want to see you happy. You are my everything."

But she glued her crown back together, remembering what her truth would evoke in the world. What would she lose? Who would she hurt? What would they say?

And she wore her false smile once again. The world was pleased and looked at her with admiration. Her crown lost it's shine, became heavy. But she was praised with how she still managed to hold it so high under her buckling body.

She lay down that night and listened for self. At first she couldn't hear... but as she quietened further, a single tear escaping her eye, she heard a soft, dying voice and felt a surge of hope.

"It's me, self. I beg. Love you. Don't lose me. Stay true."

But the weight of reality flooded in and as another tear rolled down her cheek, she turned over on her pillow and silenced self once more.

She awoke wearily, pieced together and polished her crown, tried to find her smile, but to no avail. Then, she went out to face the world with weak courage.

"What's wrong? Why are you so sad? Can we help you?"

But she was silent and so the world turned away.

In the stillness of the night, she lay awake, eyes pressed tightly, listening with all of her might, only to be faced with silence.

Self was no longer.

And in that moment, as tears saturated her pillow, she realised.

She realised that she was never really afraid of death from the world, but rather, she was afraid of death while still living.

Amanda Darling